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How To Single-Handedly Unload A Subwoofer

2011-12-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

So here's the situation. You've got a 160 pound package being delivered containing a 12" subwoofer inside of it….and you're on a remote island. Okay, you're home, but you might as well be on a remote island because you're alone and isolated from all who know and love you (or feel otherwise). What's more, you're going to be by yourself for the entire day. So you've got a choice on your hands: wait 12 to 24 hours until you can get a friend or family member to assist you in unloading the subwoofer, or attempt to do it by yourself. If you're like me, you've concluded that waiting is not an option - time waits for no man, and fortune favors the bold.

This is the situation I found myself in this past week. Knowing that others may some day be faced with the same circumstances, I decided to document my efforts so that my fellow man might benefit and learn from my experience.

Now, before I begin, some may be saying to themselves, "why not have the delivery guy simply bring it into the house and assist you"? Well how nice of you to volunteer his services, but he's got a truck full of other packages that need to get to where they're going, and I think we should let the man get through his day so that he can get home to his family at a decent time. And besides, the delivery guy is paid to deliver it to the house, not inside the house. Yes, I could certainly ask him to go above the call of duty and assist me further, but then I would feel obligated to tip him and quite frankly, this Genelec subwoofer was expensive enough as it is.

So…lets start this tutorial. When the FedEx truck arrived, I met it outside with a handtruck and had them offload the package from the truck directly onto it, providing easy transport to the point of entry into the house (in this case, the garage). Note: unless you're training for the upcoming Strong Man Competition, you're going to want this handtruck, so make sure to pick one up in advance of the delivery if you don't currently have one.

Now the sub is on the handtruck inside the garage, and I'm thinking I'll just wheel this fucker right through the door into the house and into the studio. Guess again. Turns out the dimensions of the box versus the dimensions of the hallway are such that there's not enough clearance to make the 90 degree turn required after getting through the door. So I wheel the sub back into the garage.

I decide my best bet is to open it up in the garage, so as to separate the actual subwoofer from it's packaging, thereby lightening the load and reducing the dimensions. A good plan. Now how do I open this box that looks like it was discovered in an ancient tomb by Indiana Jones?

I carefully studied the hieroglyphics for clues. It seemed to indicate the secret to opening it involved a wine glass, umbrella, and rain water. Unable (or unwilling) to figure out the riddle, I utilized a crowbar and forced each metal latch into an upright position, and removed the top of the box. Boom.

Time to take this baby to greener pastures. Not just yet hombre - this bitch still clocks in over 100 pounds on it's own, and while you may be tempted to grab the sub by its plastic covering in the absence of discernible handles, I'm not willing to risk the plastic giving way and my new sub crashing to the floor. And to make matters more complicated, the remaining crate is seriously hindering my ability to get proper leverage - I'm a pretty fit individual, but at a whopping 5 ft 7 inches I don't have the height of a giraffe, so my strength is nullified by the positioning of the situation (I bet there's a jiu jitsu lesson in here somewhere). If I really gave it my all, it's possible I would succeed, but I'm not interested in throwing my back out to prove how strong I am. So unless there's a crane somewhere inside my garage, it's back to the drawing board.

Got it. Position the crate against the base of the doorway / Position the handtruck opposite the doorway inside the house / Tilt the open end of the crate through the doorway, landing with its side on the handtruck / Slide the crate out backwards, leaving the sub perfectly positioned on the handtruck / Boom.

Nice try asshole. Still not enough clearance to make the necessary 90 degree turn. But at this point, the sub has been freed from it's confines, and two silver handles have become visible through the plastic. So I take life by the horns and move this bad boy into the hallway by hand.

Hmmm. You know what, it's heavy, but not torturously so. Let me carry it the rest of the way into the studio. Boom.

For those who might have another 100+ feet to go once inside the house, you might want to bring the handtruck back into the mix. For those that are wondering, "why didn't you just open the crate in the garage, tilt it on it's side to slide the sub out, and walk it into the house to begin with", all I have to say is hindsight is 20/20. But thanks to my noble efforts above, when faced with the same situation, other people now know not to do a single thing that I've suggested.

Ben & Jerry's - How Deep Is The Rabbit Hole?

2011-08-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

You know how after paying for groceries, you routinely receive various coupons and/or advertisements? Well, a few weeks ago I received the following….uh, statement….from Ben & Jerry's:

Now, it took me a minute to understand what was going on, but eventually I realized that I had in fact purchased a 14 oz container of chocolate ice cream from Haagen Dazs. Apparently, Ben & Jerry's was so disturbed by my decision, that they were going out of their way to inform me that I had bought a substandard portion of ice cream, as compared to their 16 oz containers.

My jaw fell open…there were so many questions racing through my mind - could this be true? Have I been losing out on 2 oz of ice cream per container every time I bought a non-Ben&Jerry's variety? How many containers has that been over the years? If you added up all the lost servings from consumers across the world, how big would the resulting pile of ice cream be? It was horrifying to think of the lost seas of ice cream, never to be salvaged. And how could I have been so misguided and hoodwinked, as to be blind to this truth for so long?

The severity of the situation was overwhelming. I vowed to get to the bottom of this, even if it meant sacrificing more ice cream for the sake of the cause. No matter how long it took, no matter how far…I would find answers.

Thus began the furious task of researching this issue. My inquiry took me to distant lands, atop ancient glaciers, to the heartlands of ice cream nations across the globe. I consulted with psychologists, experts in the medical community, and even spoke with a lama. When all the data was in hand, and the dust finally settled….5 minutes later….I had my answer:

The grocery store didn't carry chocolate Ben & Jerry's ice cream. (Gasp)

In fact, none of the stores in my area carried a Ben & Jerry's chocolate-only flavor. But how could that be? Nothing was making sense. Surely Ben & Jerry's would make it a point to have stores carry such a basic flavor, wouldn't they? Why would they issue their press release amidst my batch of coupons, if they couldn't offer to match my choice in flavor? Was this just a coincidence, or was it evidence of something far more nefarious? More questions began flooding my brain - too many to ignore. No, this had to be investigated and there was only one man for the job. Rest assured, I will get to the bottom of it….right after I finish this 14 oz container of Haagen Dasz ice cream.

"It's Our Fight" by...Steve Jablonsky???

2011-07-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

Since the release of Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, I've been getting inundated with emails from people telling me, "Steve Jablonsky stole your music" and that, "the new Transformers score totally ripped off Mind Heist!" So in an effort to lay the matter to rest, I'm going to break this down once and only once. For those who are unfamiliar with "Mind Heist" or the cue "It's Our Fight" from the Transformers 3 score, listen to the links below to hear what we're talking about (they are already cued up to the relevant sections - a couple of minutes of listening should suffice).

1. Zack Hemsey - "Mind Heist"

2. Steve Jablonsky - "It's Our Fight"

Now, let me start by saying that no one owns a genre or style of composition. Equally, Danny Elfman doesn't have a copyright in pizzicato playing techniques, and Hans Zimmer doesn't own the rights to specific chord progressions or pulsing staccato strings. In the same way, I don't possess the exclusive right to incorporate massive low stabs. So, a piece of music that contains deep low stabs does not constitute copyright infringement of "Mind Heist" (there were deep low stabs before "Mind Heist" and there will be deep low stabs afterwards). But make no mistake, "It's Our Fight" would appear to be a rip-off of "Mind Heist" (at least, much of the 6-minute track would seem to be). Technically speaking, I suppose it's possible that this is a coincidence. I can't factually state that Jablonsky knowingly imitated my song, but when I listen to the above selections, the similarities are certainly extreme.

This much should be obvious to anyone with ears. But for those who don't hear it, don't panic - just stop reading and we thank you for playing. To the rest of you, the following is the sequence of reactions I had to this:

1. Flattery - What an honor to have a major feature film composer be inspired by my work. I've been unknown for the majority of my career, and Steve Jablonsky "borrowing" from me is a testament to the caliber of music I create.

2. Pride - Even with a Hollywood film music budget, live orchestra elements, what I assume was a typical production team (assistants, orchestrators, engineers, etc), and a gifted composer's best attempt at writing my song sideways, the result is a blatant effort that falls short of "Mind Heist". Add to that the fact that I don't have any assistants at all (let alone the army that is customary on a feature film score), nor the privilege of working with a live orchestra…and still, "Mind Heist" beats this rip-off to death like a psychotic serial killer convinced the murder being committed is going to save the planet.

3. Outrage - Someone is selling a "Mind Heist" impostor on iTunes as part of the contents of the Transformers 3 score…a film whose composer received a sizable fee to deliver original music, and a film with major studio backing and PR (which ultimately drives soundtrack sales), and whose eventual physical CD release will have label distribution. What is wrong with this picture? I'm an independent artist, with no record label or studio backing. My albums don't go platinum, and I don't make anywhere near the money of a successful feature film composer. Now to be fair, I'm not interested in selling my soul to make a dollar, and being independent has been a conscious decision on my part, one which I have never regretted for a second. But being an independent artist is not a license to be taken advantage of and exploited…and guess what Steve, I don't work for you - if you need my help composing a score, give me a call and ask for it. But how dare you steal from me and then profit from it.

4. Pity - Ripping off temp music is an unfortunate reality found in many aspects of the music business. Equally unfortunate is that so many composers and artists lack both originality and the integrity necessary to refuse to become leeches. In the case of Transformers 3, I have no idea if a directive to rip off "Mind Heist" was issued by someone. Maybe my song was temped in by the director or producers and forcibly shoved on Jablonsky, and maybe Jablonsky even protested the instruction to rip it off…or maybe Jablonsky just thought "hey, Mind Heist would sound really good here, lets just copy that and change a couple of notes". Either way, Steve - I feel sorry for you.

At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being influenced by another artist or composer, and in truth, such influence is unavoidable. When it comes to any creative endeavor, one's environment and the extent of their exposure to other creative works influences their own creativity. But there is a line between influence and plagiarism, and as to whether "It's Our Fight" crossed it, I pose the question to Jablonsky - what says you Steve?

All I can say is, if stealing someone else's music becomes necessary to make a paycheck, then making music is no longer for me. And if my evolution as an artist should get to a point where I am incapable of thinking for myself, and becoming a parasite is the only means through which I can create worthwhile music, then my existence as an artist will have come to an end. I'm not interested in being anyone other than me. But Steve, you should check out my new album "The Way" - it might prove useful in your future scores!

SoundWorks Collection Interviews Me

2011-04-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

So a while back, I get an email from Michael Coleman, founder and producer of SoundWorks Collection. He asks me if I would be open to the idea of a video story about my work.

I'm thinking to myself: "that's kind of cool that this guy wants to interview me on camera…he probably runs some sort of local cable access show…I hope the production value isn't too painful." Then I went to soundworkscollection.com and saw sound profiles for films like The Fighter and Black Swan, and interviews with accredited composers, sound designers and mixers, directors, etc.

Now I'm thinking: "maybe Michael's email was intended for a different artist, but somehow the email address got screwed up…?"

Hmmm. I better go back and re-read that email. Let me see here…he's saying, "Ever since purchasing your "Empty Room" CD I have been amazed by your unique approach to music composing."

Nope, he meant to send this email to me. Wow.

"Hi Michael…I'm honored you would even be inclined to include me among the roster of the SoundWorks series…obviously I haven't scored a feature film, television series, or video game…but if you're interested in interviewing an artist who hasn't sold millions of albums, exists in somewhat obscurity, occasionally writes music that gets used in film trailers but exists on the outside of that industry, then I'm totally down for it."

A few weeks later, the SoundWorks team arrived in Lake Carmel. Three guys appeared with cameras and lights - Michael Coleman, the man, the myth, the legend; Brandon Vedder, the cool DP with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ancients; and Logan Grime, a man so dangerous with a camera he travels under a pseudonym in LA.

The team entered my studio. Once their eyes adjusted to the blinding light shining off my immaculately polished formica desk, they got right to work. Cameras, lights, action. We spoke that day like men that haven't spoken in ages. This is to say, we spoke like strangers. But the more we spoke, the closer we became…and by the time they left, we were a family torn apart.

That is the story of how this interview came to be. For those who missed it, check it out below. And for those in need of a production company to make their studios look cooler than they actually are, and edit their conversation in a way that makes them sound like they might actually know what they're talking about, get in touch with Michael Coleman. But don't be upset if you can't get a hold of him - he's most likely working his magic elsewhere at the moment.

SoundWorks Collection: Composer Zack Hemsey from Michael Coleman on Vimeo.

MMA - Lets Stick To The Fighting

2010-12-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

There is a growing trend among mixed martial arts fighters to talk shit in the weeks leading up to a fight. Viewers are led to believe that there is "bad blood" or that the fight is a "grudge match" or that it's a "rivalry years in the making" or whatever other dumb group of words they string together. In the same way that most pre-fight speeches are broken records that routinely reference "breaking the will of my opponent" and philosophically deep comments like "he better come to fight", this "personal" shit-talking is now so common place that fans essentially expect to see it before every fight. I'm not quite sure how everyone came to this conclusion that fans are more interested in fights in which the fighters hate each other, but it couldn't be further from the truth, at least for me. I would have bought last Saturday's pay-per-view event featuring GSP vs Koscheck regardless if there was "bad blood" or not. I'm drawn by the skill and talent of those two fighters - not their personal opinions of each other.

I will certainly grant that the presence of a genuine mutual dislike, or any emotional feelings that influence a fighter's psychology, can be interesting to the degree that it affects the fighter's motivation, performance, or training. But notice I said genuine. This is what is lacking in too many marketing campaigns for UFC - sincerity. Just look at every time two fighters that supposedly "hated" each other embrace in the ring afterwards and magically the "beef got squashed"….this happens repeatedly. Sure, sure, you're going to tell me that now having fought each other, they respect each other…..right, well the problem with this theory is that those same fighters often tell us that they were just trying to hype up the fight. Well that's nice, but here's the deal:

A) "Bad blood" is not what makes me watch a fight….if I was interested in the emotional dynamics between two individuals I would watch Dr. Phil.

B) If you're talking shit because you think it sells more tickets and pay-per-view buys, I'd like to see the research that supports such a theory - yes, people tend to be interested in any sort of conflict or argument, thus the unfortunate success of most "reality" television, but mixed martial arts contains actual physical violence - doesn't that render the "war of words" superfluous and irrelevant?

C) Even if there is a solid PR justification for concocting the appearance of "bad blood", how could it possibly be effective over a long period of time when the fighters that supposedly hated each other come right out and say they were just trying to hype the fight? Am I really the only fan irritated by this deception?

In point of fact, this trend does a major disservice to the UFC and MMA overall, whose entire appeal rests on the reality of the sport, but whose marketing is starting to come dangerously close to that of professional wrestling organizations like the WWE (or WWF when I was growing up). If I want to watch actors, I'm going to rent a movie. So to all the fighters in the world, this is coming from a genuine fan of the sport and someone that has the utmost respect for what you do and the endless dedication you devote to it - if you actually hate your opponent and wish to express that, by all means go right ahead, but if there truthfully isn't any "bad blood", please do not fabricate any….I assure you, I will be watching regardless.

I am not Hans Zimmer

2010-05-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

With all the confusion going around regarding the music I composed for the 3rd Inception trailer, I figured it might be helpful to clarify things.

I am not Hans Zimmer. This is what Hans Zimmer looks like:

This is what I look like hiking through the woods during winter:

As you can see, we are not the same person. But the differences don't end there…

Hans Zimmer has composed scores for movies such as Dark Knight, Crimson Tide, and Inception.

Zack Hemsey has composed the scores for the following movies:___________________

At the same time, one can't deny that there are definitely some peculiarities regarding the connection between Zack Hemsey and Hans Zimmer.

Both of their first names have 4 letters. Both of their last names have 6 letters. Both of their initials consist of the the letters H and Z.

The exceptional designer Omead Afshari put this video together:

Hmmmm……maybe I am Hans Zimmer.

The Giggle Revolution

2010-03-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

There seems to be an awful lot of laughing taking place nowadays…..you can't go two sentences without someone replying with an "lol" in a text message or iChat. Then there's always the "lmao" and the really intense "LMFAO". Every time I see that, I think to myself that I must be some comedian to have gotten that response out of Cindy - she's usually such a soul-less sub-human.

I'm still trying to figure out what is so funny about the statement, "well you never know, maybe you did better than you think" - am I missing something here? Or how about this exchange: "Hey, I hear it might rain on Saturday…guess we'll have to reschedule" / "I know, that sucks….oh well, lol". Are you nervous or something? What the fuck are you laughing at?

Have you ever told someone you thought their tire might be flat, and they responded with "lol…are you serious"? And you're sitting there asking yourself, is this asshole being condescending with me….what I don't know enough about automobiles to discern a flat? And so you reply with, "no, I was just messing with you…it's all good….lol…let me know how the skiing trip goes…see you when you get back".

Not to mention that "lol" is blatantly self-evident….you mean you're laughing out loud? Like, generating actual sound waves with your laughter? Holy shit Bob, that's some pretty serious laughter right there, maybe you should take it easy…you don't want your diabetes acting up. Is there an inward non-sound-wave-generating laughing technique that I simply have yet to be initiated in?

And while we're on the subject, why is it always laughter? What about a giggle? It only seems to be either full on laughter, or complete seriousness, apparently. Are people so bipolar that they never just giggle anymore? Well I giggle….and frankly it takes a lot for me to break out into laughter. Unless your parrot escaped from it's cage and took a shit on your iPod, a giggle is probably the best you can hope for from me.

But of course, how does one convey a giggle? Perhaps I should come up with a hip way to communicate this - "gol" is pretty lame (and equally self-evident) and "gig" is just a little too creepy for my taste. On second thought, why should a word or phrase require a cool concise abbreviation? Are we really this lazy that we can't afford the time it takes to write "talk to you later"? Oh but I know, you're so busy - there's just not enough time to write out everything and still get done all the things that require your attention on this complicated day. Well guess what, you're not that fucking busy and you're not that important either.

Let it be known that I will not uphold the impatience or the spelling of a 2nd grade student….if I'm giggling, I'm going to write "giggling", and if it's an intense giggle, expect to see "uncontrollable giggling taking place right now" - and if you're really lucky, maybe even "giggling my motherfucking ass off and still giggling…..lol"

"Remember Me"

2010-03-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

This is the first single off the album "Empty Room" (set to release this May).

It was inspired by the photographic work of the same name, by Preston Gannaway. The photographer chronicled the struggle of a woman who is diagnosed with liver cancer. As she fights to hang on to her family for as long as possible, her husband and children do their best to keep their spirits up and cherish the remaining moments they all have with each other.

I had never been so moved by a series of photographs before, and so it always stuck with me. About a year and a half later, as I was finishing composing the music for this track, I was hit with the urge to base the song lyrically on those photographs. Something about the music just felt like it was tailored to tell this woman's story.

This was one of those cases where the whole process just unfolded naturally, and the lyrics essentially wrote themselves. The first verse is from the perspective of the woman, and the second verse is mainly from the perspective of her husband. The chorus can be seen as the expression of either the wife or the husband.

Hope you enjoy it...

(To see the photography piece that inspired this song, go to: prestongannaway.com, click on Stoires & Essays, and then click Remember Me. At the bottom of the description will be a link labeled "Enter Gallery" - click that to see the work)